To my new followers:
You will very soon realise I don’t constantly post tit pics so you can unfollow meow
If you’re not here for the tits, carry on.
My story isn’t pleasant, it’s not sweet and harmonious like the invented stories; it tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dream, like the life of all people who no longer want to lie to themselvesHerman Hesse, from Demian, trans. N. H. Priday (Boni & Liveright, 1923)
Stalking myself on tumblr, looking over old posts… Especially text posts.
I feel like I have this struggle to totally understand & explore myself. To feel comfortable in knowing that there are certain personal traits that are constant, that won’t change. There are parts of me that do define me, I’m just still figuring out what they define. However, reading back & realising that your mind was aware of certain beliefs long before you expected it to be is uplifting. 6 months ago, I wanted the same things as I do today. & even 3 years ago, I was struggling with the same identity & lifestyle issues as I am in 2014.
Of course, there’s progress as well. I’ve evolved exponentially. In a matter of months, I’ve grown out of certain ways of thinking that probably weren’t beneficial. I feel so distant from the blogger I was 1, 2, 3 years ago, yet every memory is stored safely. & through those memories, I’m able to relive the thoughts & the emotions I had in those moments.
This is all important to my own self-evolution. Reflecting on past behaviour, mindsets, relationships. I can’t try to grow if I’m blindly disregarding past mistakes I’ve made. I can’t understand my present self if I don’t understand my past self. Is there another word for ‘past’? I’m not going to concern myself with it right now, if so.
Journaling is key for me. My recollection isn’t great & my descriptions are fairly detailed. I can go back & read about an occurrence I thought important enough to document, & I am totally there in the story, fully present in my mind. However, I haven’t been journaling.
A lot of it seems to be that I don’t care what I have to say. All my thoughts are so fleeting, it may not matter. However, it totally does! Again, evolution, reflection, everything! Not everyone has to keep track of themselves to the same extent I do.
Or maybe I’m just a hoarder. Of memories.
I’m keeping my grasp on those moments, refusing to let go, refusing to forget. I want to always remember. The good & the bad. The totally irrelevant & extremely important. Could that be unhealthy?
Surely, but now is not the time to think about that. Because it would take a LOT of re-analysing & I guess I’m just not prepared to do all of that yet. After all, it’s a fuck load of work: thinking & analysing your own mind. There are a lot of complicated souls out there, & if you relate, then you know you’re not alone.
God said “love your enemy” and I obeyed Him and loved myself.Khalil Gibran
much love <3 it’s appreciated & reciprocated :)
Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.John Eldridge (via cultious)
You attract the right things when you have a sense of who you are.Amy Poehler
Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes.Walt Whitman